I just don't understand

Another regular month of our lives... or how 'all we need is a better job' has become our life slogan.

Maybe there isn't anything to understand... Maybe life is just supposed to not work... Maybe we have to suffer... Maybe... Maybe...

You know what? I'm tired of maybes and of hoping. I'm just so tired... But it doesn't seem to matter because apparently there's nothing I can do to change anything. Fast! Pray! Everything is gonna be allright. Everyone's having a hard time right now. It's the stupid economy. You'll be fine. I know how you feel. Life is hard. Welcome to life! We'll pray for you. Pay your tithing. Give to fast offerings. Here's another list of jobs. It can be a lot worse than this. Now you have a story to tell your children!

True story: David finds the best work opportunity yet, about a month ago. Applies to it and realizes that he actually had met someone who worked for the company and who thought he was great and gave him her business card. We go and meet her and she seems happy to see him. She introduces him to the HR lady who tells David that the position he applied for might be already taken by an internal hire but that there is another position that opened up and he should definitely apply for that one as well. She emails David a detailed application and after a few days calls him for a phone interview that goes really well. She sends him a test after which tells him that he needs to have another interview, in person this time, with the manager of the IT department. The interview goes well and they all say that it will only be a few days and he should hear back from them. A week passes and we don't hear anything. We call to follow up. The HR lady seems impressed and says that everyone likes David very much but they are still interviewing a few people who had been referred by employees and it should take another week. On Sept. 2nd, David's birthday, we have a breakfast picnic in our bedroom, I give David a little present, we spend some time together walking around at the mall and dreaming about what we would get when we have a little more money after which David goes to work until almost midnight. I'm happy that I get to wish him happy birthday one more time before his birthday is over. We get home. He checks his email and receives the news we've been so anxious to get for three weeks. A polite message lets him know that the pool of candidates has been narrowed down to just a few and that he is not a part of them but that he can always apply for other opportunities as they arise. It was still his birthday.

Another one: We move into our new apartment and call the person who promised to help us bring our mattress from Midway. We're supposed to meet him in 10 minutes. He seems confused at first about the call and then apologizes that he won't be able to help anymore. So, we sleep on the floor for the next couple of weeks until a good friend offers to help bring the bed over.

Number three: I get a nice gift of money for the baby and am so excited that I can go out and actually get a few things that we still need for when the baby gets here. A few days later David spills soup all over his jeans and nice shoes only a few minutes before he needs to leave for work in the morning. He has no other pair of jeans and he gets to wear his broken shoes to work again, all while smelling like soup for the rest of the day. It's one of those long, 16 hour days that he will have to work today; second one this week and after not having a day of rest in about a month now. If I just didn't spend all the money and we got him another pair of cheap jeans...

Last one: Through some miracle David doesn't work the Thursday morning when I'm having my doctor's appointment. We go in. My blood pressure - good, baby's heartbeat 150 - good. After measuring me the doctor seems very concerned though that my measurement is way off. I'm 32 weeks and I measure 37. He goes and talks with someone then comes back telling us that we need an ultrasound to make sure that everything is ok. Another $400 ultrasound but it's our baby and all we care about is for me and her to be healthy. Rent and utilities due in two weeks. Another month of student loan payments that we won't be able to make; hopefully they approve us and the payments will be deferred for a while... Gas cost a lot this month again... all this commuting to Salt Lake, then driving to Riverwoods, then back to Springville seems to put quite a strain on the car. Those breaks are squeaky but hopefully won't beak down. This is the only way David can get to work.

Or maybe this is the last one... On Monday I have the first of four childbirth classes. I shouldn't have used the last bit of credit on that card to register for it but I am scared about this 'natural' yet so unpredictable event that I know I'll have to go through in only a few more weeks. David works a 16 hour day again on Monday and won't be there with me. Actually I don't know if I'll even make it as he will have the car and the class is in Provo. He tells me that he'll leave work in SLC early to come get me, I'll drop him off at Borders and then I'll have the car to go to class. He'll ask Borders to not schedule him on Monday nights for the next few weeks so he could come to the last 3 classes with me. Of course, that means he'll make less money but he loves me and knows how much I need him.

He suffers. I suffer. We encourage each other but they all seem empty words. He tries so hard to take care of us but he looks so tired all the time. He never sleeps. And then there's the trains passing constantly by only 20 feet from our apartment.

Last year at this time we were just getting settled in Ireland. A month and a half later we came back and started our life over hoping for some better times. We're still hoping as we hold each other tight. I try not to cry anymore. I don't want the baby to feel my pain. Maybe she'll be born soon and then at least she won't feel my physical pain anymore. I hope we'll be fine. I hope she's healthy. I hope David will make $2000/month soon... I hope I'll be able to work after she is born... I hope... I hope...